A Gottman therapist on how to attend to your loved ones while giving your job the attention it needs.

Editor’s Note: Strong relationships are at the core of a happy life, but sometimes, dealing with the people in our lives is tricky. That’s why Thrive Global partnered with The Gottman Institute on this advice column, Asking for a Friend. Every week, Gottman’s relationship experts will answer your most pressing questions about navigating relationships — with romantic partners, family members, co-workers, friends, and more. Have a question? Send it to ask@thriveglobal.com!

Q: I have a lot going on in my personal life right now. How do I make time for family without slipping up at work? The past couple months have been busy at home, and not in the most positive ways. I find myself being a constant mediator between siblings and parents. I want to make time for my loved ones and show them that I’m truly there for them, but I also have an extremely busy job, and I work pretty long hours that aren’t always conducive to me leaving before sundown. How do I show up as a loved one without letting it make me look bad at work?

A: A true work/life quandary! It sounds like you’re managing a disruption to the delicate balance between attending to your loved ones and giving your job the attention that it needs. Being pushed and pulled in different directions like this results in an imbalance in need of recalibration.

You have added a new role to your daily to-dos: family mediator. And I truly feel your pain. Being thrust in such a role to your own family is brutal. Distressing. Emotionally exhausting.

You’re correct in your concern that work will be negatively impacted, not just because of the time involved in attending to your family, but the family drama that you can’t help but internalize may become a real focus buster.

You’re not alone. Many very well intentioned, peacemaking types end up playing the role of mediator in their families. At times, this role can feel manageable, but when it crosses over into impacting a full-time job, the role of mediator is simply no longer one that you can play.

In fact, it can be detrimental to your own well-being and may not actually be what your family members need, although they may try to convince you otherwise. Might I add, you are not in an objective position to mediate, as well intentioned as you may be, given that you are part of a family system and may inadvertently be contributing to the continued drama. Family therapy and professional mediation are disciplines that have developed for this very reason.

So you will need to set boundaries with your family. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean shutting the door on them while they are in need. Rather, you are moving into a supporting role rather than a primary role. It means getting them the type of assistance that can actually help them move through this conflict without harming and negatively impacting your own life.

Seeking a skilled clinician or mediator, depending on what the conflict is about, will be a wonderful way to effectively help your family through this time. You can find a Gottman-trained clinician in your area on the Gottman Referral Network.

You are not a mediator or a family therapist, you are a family member. Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself, which will ultimately help your family, whether or not they acknowledge it in the short term.

It’s the best gift that you can give them to help them through their current conflict.

A Gottman therapist says if the new role is taking a toll on your well-being, it’s time to speak up.

Editor’s Note: Strong relationships are at the core of a happy life, but sometimes, dealing with the people in our lives is tricky. That’s why Thrive Global partnered with The Gottman Institute on this advice column, Asking for a Friend. Every week, Gottman’s relationship experts will answer your most pressing questions about navigating relationships — with romantic partners, family members, co-workers, friends, and more. Have a question? Send it to ask@thriveglobal.com!

Q: I’ve been at the same company for a few years, and I’ve finally gotten a managerial position that I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I love the people I work with, and I’m glad to take on the new responsibilities, but at the same time, I’m completely overwhelmed. Managing other people is harder than I thought, and I’m way over my head. I want to succeed in the position, but I’m having trouble prioritizing my tasks, managing my workload, and getting home in time each night to still connect with my family. Should I say something to my boss or just try to power through? And how do I get my family to understand what I’m dealing with?

A: Yes! By all means, speak up! Do so ASAP, both to your manager and to your family. And with that said, congratulations on your promotion!

But truth be told, the very skills that landed you your promotion — being good at the technical aspects of your job — are different from what will make you successful as a manager.

It’s a funny thing that promotion into management often takes you away from the very things that brought you that promotion in the first place. It’s not more of the same — it’s actually something totally different. I’ve worked with many first-time managers who have privately confessed that they feel like a fraud in their new role as a manager. And research substantiates this: For example, a 2016 survey of 500 managers found that 44 percent felt unprepared for their role, and 87 percent wish that they had more training before becoming a manager.

While we need a license for so many different activities and jobs, people often become managers without any idea of what that means. Many executives that I coach are surprised when they receive negative feedback about their management style — they are unaware of how they are perceived.

The parallels of managing your personal relationships and your workplace relationships are evident, as both require strong communication skills and a high level of self-management.

I’m hopeful about your future success because although you are overwhelmed, you recognize it. This self-awareness is key. Great managers have high levels of self-awareness. And management is mostly a set of learnable skills. Within the management skillset is a significant core skill: relationship management.

It’s obviously beyond the scope of this column to provide management training, but let me introduce you to the Sound Relationship Workplace (see image), a model that I’ve developed based on Dr. John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House. Over the years, I’ve trained many a first time manager using this framework. Whether you’re building colleague maps, learning how to provide feedback and effectively delegating, learning to manage conflict, and intentionally building a positive workplace culture, these relationship skills are critical to succeeding as a manager.

Many new managers are thrust into their new roles without their organizations setting them up for success. The costs for the organization due to failures in management are significant, so it’s your responsibility to tell your boss that you are in need of support. Turn towards your manager. Go get some management training. Ask for it. Get a mentor. And get clear on your goals (are they the same as before the promotion? If not, how have they changed since you signed on for your new role?). For the members of your family: turn towards them. Explain to them that your promotion is, in essence, a new job. There is a learning curve, and you will need some time to get up to speed. Share with them what you learn as you learn about being a manager. Inform them regularly about your journey as you build love maps with them pertaining to your job. Assure them that things will get better (because you will take the steps to receive training and support). As you become better at managing yourself, all of your relationships will improve.

A Gottman therapist says there are ways to deal with a difference in ambition without it causing intense stress for the two of you.

Editor’s Note: Strong relationships are at the core of a happy life, but sometimes, dealing with the people in our lives is tricky. That’s why Thrive Global partnered with The Gottman Institute on this advice column, Asking for a Friend. Every week, Gottman’s relationship experts will answer your most pressing questions about navigating relationships — with romantic partners, family members, co-workers, friends, and more. Have a question? Send it to ask@thriveglobal.com!

Q: I’ll be honest: I’ve always been extremely driven in terms of my career path, and my husband isn’t. I love him, and he has so many amazing qualities, but he’s just not as career-oriented. It’s a point of contention in our relationship — I set goals and work my hardest to succeed, while he seems happy exactly where he is and has no intention of progressing further. Does it matter that he’s not as driven as I am? How can I encourage him to work harder without trying to completely change him?

A: First, let’s address an important reality: Most of us don’t marry our twin. In fact, we often partner with people who are quite different from us. These differences can be exciting at first, but sometimes the very differences between us end up creating challenges. Dr. John Gottman’s extensive research on couples has found that most problems (69%) between partners are perpetual, and not solvable. People end up differing on the same issues — often rooted in personality differences or unmatched lifestyle preferences — 50 years into their marriage as they did 50 days into their relationship. In happy relationships, these differences are not divisive; people learn how to live with them, and often, how to appreciate them.

So it’s not surprising at all that you are still dealing with this difference years into the relationship. Let’s call it a “career ambition difference” between you and your husband. And it appears that the issue has become more of an issue for you. Knowing that, when you look inward, what has shifted? This “point of contention” is what truly needs to change, rather than changing your husband (which, by the way, can’t happen). All truly transformational change must come from within. Indeed, no one can change another.

Your own self awareness, and how you communicate this awareness to your husband, are key to having an open and productive dialogue. First, determine what is behind your desire for his career advancement. Is it financially driven (as in, “if we make more money, we get to buy a sports car”)? Is it prestige driven (as in, “if you become a VP, our friends, family and my colleagues will be impressed”)? Perhaps you see something in him that is unrealized, an untapped potential, and you want him to fully explore it for his own self-actualization? Is it driven by a desire to see him more passionate about something other than streaming Netflix? Do you have fantasies about becoming a “power couple”? All of the above?

This behind-the-scenes self-exploration that I’m recommending targets the values behind your desire for his career advancement. This will allow you to move away from blaming him for his lack of career ambition to appropriately expressing your true values manifested in your wish. For example, speak with him about your desire for greater financial security and its roots, and how this plays out in your desire for his career advancement. That way it moves away from him not doing something to your concerns about your joint financial future.

Encourage him to think about his desire not to drive for career advancement. What are the values behind his stance, and why? Does he believe that life is too short to spend that much time at work? Does he prefer to take care of your home and your personal lives? Or does he want you to take care of him and not have to do the heavy lifting (this might be your fear)?

Think about your partner holistically, as clearly there are things that you love about him. What else does he bring to the table? Perhaps that’s kindness, care, respect, or fun — what other values are congruent in your day-to-day lives together? Does he care about your values and try to work with you to reflect them? Does the fact that he is not as ambitious as you free up time for him to take care of other matters in your lives? Does he celebrate and encourage your ambition? Remember that there are many, many things that professional success and money can’t buy.

Recognize that asking him to increase his ambition may be as significant as him asking you to dim your own. Both tend to create problems in couples, so tread gingerly but openly, and be vulnerable, so he can be as well. The positive advancement of your relationship depends on being able to navigate these potential value differences with love and respect — a valuable ambition for us all.

A Gottman therapist says these specific qualities that will help you launch a business as a couple.

Editor’s Note: Strong relationships are at the core of a happy life, but sometimes, dealing with the people in our lives is tricky. That’s why Thrive Global partnered with The Gottman Institute on this advice column, Asking for a Friend. Every week, Gottman’s relationship experts will answer your most pressing questions about navigating relationships — with romantic partners, family members, co-workers, friends, and more. Have a question? Send it to ask@thriveglobal.com!

Q: My partner and I have been talking for a while about the idea of starting a business together, but until recently, it was just talk. He recently addressed the idea more seriously, and I’m starting to get cold feet. We have a great relationship, and rarely fight — and I don’t want to compromise that by going into business together. Is it a bad idea to work with your loved one? How can we navigate a romantic relationship and a professional one without ruining both?

A: Starting a business with your partner can be a wonderful and rewarding experience, professionally and personally. AND… You are rightfully concerned about starting a business with your partner. Many people delve into “profam relationships” — my term for people who have a professional relationship with a family member — without recognizing both the professional and social liability of such unions. Be aware that adding a “social” contract with an “employment” contract is not without its complexities, and tensions. The boardroom does not operate under the same rules as the bedroom.

In and of itself it is not “a bad idea to work with a loved one.” What’s most important is that you are aligned with the vision of the business and have similar goals and values. If there is anything less than solid congruence on vision, goals, and values, and this remains unaddressed, a later upheaval is likely — actually just like what happens in partner relationships! Differences in these realms should be ironed out now. Having open, honest discussions with one another is table stakes for profams and forms the foundation upon which the complexities will be navigated together, potentially becoming very rewarding rather than extremely detrimental.

Ask yourself, what is the motivation behind becoming a profam couple? What skillsets do you have an as entrepreneur versus those that your partner possesses? The more complimentary those skills are, the better.

Ideally, learn how to fight productively before embarking on a business venture together. Objectivity can be comprised as conflicts from home can seep into conflicts from work and vice versa. “Rarely fighting” in and of itself is not a marker of a great relationship, at work or at home. John Gottman’s work has taught us that “effectively repairing” fights is the real marker of success in relationships.

Problem-solving and decision making are essential to running a successful business. Check that you are unimpinged in your approach and, ultimately, your perspective. Are you deferring to, or on the contrary, opposing your partner’s perspective based on last night’s amazing tryst under the covers, or was last night’s huge fight over the socks on the floor a factor that led to your stance? Taking the time to think through how you arrive at your opinions is important in family owned businesses since objectivity can be compromised by the dual roles that you play.

Many a profam couple have lamented about losing their romantic spark because the only thing that they ever seem to talk about is business. It’s hard to keep a work-life balance, but having your partner as your co-founder can now make that balance even harder. Creating boundaries such as prohibiting one another from talking about work during the hours of 7-9 p.m., for example, can create the space necessary to engage with one another as partners again.

Creating a business is not unlike having a baby — it requires lots of dedication, patience, love, and sleepless nights. If you are ready to embark on this tumult together it will need lots of attention and heart, those very qualities that you led you into considering this union in the first place!

A therapist weighs in on whether or not your manager-employee friendship is actually healthy.

Editor’s Note: Strong relationships are at the core of a happy life, but sometimes, dealing with the people in our lives is tricky. That’s why Thrive Global partnered with The Gottman Institute on this advice column, Asking for a Friend. Every week, Gottman’s relationship experts will answer your most pressing questions about navigating relationships—with romantic partners, family members, coworkers, friends, and more. Have a question? Send it to ask@thriveglobal.com!

Q: Can you really be friends with your boss? Is it healthy for your relationship at work?

A: Respect and trust, the foundations of friendship, are abundantly present in healthy boss-employee relationships. These qualities can be very beneficial for boss, employee, and the workplace in general.

So yes, you can be friends with your boss. But there’s a catch.

Research shows that employees with friends at work are happier, healthier, and more engaged in their jobs. At the same time, while they perform better, they also have more conflict and more emotional strain in their professional relationships. And when the friendships go awry, productivity worsens.

Even in the closest of relationships, you will need to set boundaries. These boundaries define the depth of closeness within the relationship — and can be key in preventing the pitfalls of workplace friendship while maintaining the integrity of its value. Healthy boundaries between a boss and an employee are different than those between close personal friends.

Although healthy relationships have strong feelings of trust, confiding personal information — such as secrets, romantic, or otherwise — might not be in the best interest of both boss and employee. This is because what is shared about private matters outside of work may impact perception inside of work.

Information shared impacts how people view each other. We Homo sapiens are notorious for making quick judgments and generalizations about the other, where context isn’t always honored. Perception becomes reality. So tread carefully.

For a boss, there are other variables to consider regarding the closeness that defines the friendship with an employee. There is a risk that the team views a boss as playing favorites at work if there is an obvious special closeness shared. This may create jealousy, feelings of a lack of professionalism, and even resentment within the team dynamic.

Boundaries are different between a friend-boss and a friend-friend in the ability to say “no.” It’s likely not in one’s best interest to tell a boss that something can’t be done. In friendship, hopefully, the impact of refusal can be less potent. Friends have the ability to take time from one another when there is conflict. However, when working together, the luxury to cool things off may not be available.

Some would say that an equal meeting of the minds between people can’t really occur when there is a power differential. When someone is in a position of authority that involves formal performance evaluation and reward, financial or otherwise, the ability to be friends is compromised.

So, curious reader, friendship is a wonderful thing and its presence in workplace situations can have a positive impact. The relevant question is, how close is too close?

The answer lies in appropriately managing boundaries.

References

Having Work Friends can be tricky but its Worth It (Seppala & King 2017, Harvard Business Review):  people with best friends at work are happier, healthier, more engaged in their jobs. In other cultures, it is not unusual to vacation with a co-worker; in America is it rather uncommon. While people with friends often “perform better” they also may have more conflict and more emotional strain in their relationships because they may encounter work conflicts.

Job Stress, job performance, and social support among hospital nurses (AbuAlRub 2004, J Nurse Scholarsh): Questionnaire used to collect data on nurses work stress and performance. When nurses had “perceived social support from coworkers”, they had improved job performance. Low and high levels (but not moderate levels) of job stress resulted in better performance (i.e. U shaped curve).

Workplace Friend and Employee’s Productivity: LMX Theory and the Case of the Seoul City Govt (Song, 2014, International Review of Public Administration):  Workplace friendships can increase satisfaction and performance in the workplace. Better quality friendships improve attitudes more than “friendship opportunity”.

Workplace Relationship Quality and Employee Information Experiences  (Sias, 2006, Communication Studies): Better quality relationships between bosses and employees was correlated with increased communication and information transmission from boss to employee. When colleagues had better relationships, they transmitted better quality information to their co-workers and had better workplace satisfaction.

The role of social support in process of work stress: a meta-analysis (Viswesvaran, Sanches, Fisher, 2002, Journal of Vocational Behavior): Social support at work decreases work strain, perceived stressors, and “moderated the stressor-strain relationship”. However, social support is not necessarily utilized when stressors are present.

It’s a multi-step process, but works like a charm.

Editor’s Note: Strong relationships are at the core of a happy life, but sometimes, dealing with the people in our lives is tricky. That’s why Thrive Global partnered with The Gottman Institute on this advice column, Asking for a Friend. Every week, Gottman’s relationship experts will answer your most pressing questions about navigating relationships—with romantic partners, family members, co-workers, friends, and more. Have a question? Send it to ask@thriveglobal.com!

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Q: How do you handle a co-worker and peer who acts like she is your boss, continually making work for you or ordering you around? My frustration has made it difficult for me to be impactful in my job. How do I resolve this without making things awkward or sounding like a whiner? —A.G.

A: This is indeed a difficult situation. You’ll have to address this strategically — it’s going to take a multi-step process, and a bit of patience.

What I’m sensing is an issue that has manifested as a lack of trust between you and your colleague. The goal is to establish more trust, which will either cause her to change her behavior toward you, or enable you to have a necessary conversation with her.

Trust does not get built overnight. So start by making attempts to positively connect with your colleague. For example, make an effort to ask her how her weekend went and show genuine interest in her as a person. An occasional lunch or coffee break can also be useful in developing collegial relationships. At first, it might feel awkward to make these attempts, but this awkward is better than the awkward you mention in your question.

A relationship built on trust will surely make it easier to have that difficult conversation with her since a more informal connection between the two of you has been established. Difficult conversations are often essential to repairing conflict, either overt or covert. And repair is essential to — you guessed it — building more trust.

By getting to know your colleague more informally, you will find out about her personality and her reality. Such a concerted effort to build the relationship, without addressing her behavior directly, will make all the difference in determining why she treats you the way that she does. Is this a personality quirk (does she behave this way with others, too)? Is she just a wanna-be manager playing a role that she wants? Has management, unbeknownst to you, asked her to play this role? Does she feel that you have it out for her (which may be her reality)? Does she believe that you aren’t pulling your weight at work?

As you make time to get to know her more informally and trust builds, her behavior may start to shift. And if it doesn’t, that’s ok, too. A relationship built on trust will surely make it easier to have that difficult conversation with her since a more informal connection between the two of you has been established. Difficult conversations are often essential to repairing conflict, either overt or covert. And repair is essential to — you guessed it — building more trust.

The repair process requires collaborative communication. If her behavior doesn’t change, first tell her that you value her as a colleague, including her leadership (a nice way of framing her tendency to boss you around). Then, express that you have a difficult topic to bring up to her about how the two of you interact. Approach her in an open, non-defensive way so that she feels that you genuinely want to have a great working relationship together. This means using “I” statements and avoid criticizing her — speak to her behavior rather than who she is as a person. For example, “I’ve recently wondered about the work that you’ve delegated to me. I’m confused because my understanding is that we are in a non-managerial relationship. Do you see this differently?”

Make sure that your tone of voice is curious, rather than angry. And invite her to give you feedback. Ask her if she has concerns about your performance and ability to manage your own work. She may not recognize that her behavior towards you communicates that she doesn’t trust that you are capable of managing yourself. On the flip side, get ready to hear some feedback that might expose some blind spots that you have.

The thing about trust is that it is never a definite. We need to continually work to build it in our professional relationships to keep the connections we have fruitful.